Back to Home Page Short version


SYNOPSIS
(EXTENDED VERSION)

Back to: Part 2


Part 3
I Can't Say It

Central protagonist: Pablo

When his summer vacation is over, weeks of autumn start to roll in. Pablo comes back to his daily training routine. The heat recedes, and the weather gets chilly, but the ardor of his feeling goes all the way up. Shame consumes him, and he becomes yet more reticent and isolated. His parents, Doña Juana and Don Alberto, are seriously concerned and try to figure out what's going on, but there's no way Pablo can tell them the truth. Even though his relationship with his parents is caring and trusting, he believes they will be shocked and reject him because of his truth, so he keeps his anguish bottled up inside. As his birthday approaches in November, he is gripped by desperation and finally decides to unburden his soul to a priest in a confession. Provided that he is now an increasingly publicly known person, in order to prevent personal identification he drives to the small town far away from Barcelona, where his family lived when he was a child, and finds a church there. In his perception, confessing the deadly sin of homosexuality in the face of God and absolution of this sin will deliver him from his pain.

He makes it to the town through the torrential downpour, and in such weather he turns out to be the only visitor in the dimly lit parish. He steps into the confessional booth, and at this point the first mystical event in the novel happens. He talks to a priest through the grating, hoping to be anonymous. Ashamed and desperate, he is at a loss for the right words. When he finally blurts out the truth, he is taken aback by the confessor's reaction to it. Instead of condemning his feeling and absolving his sin, the priest asks him whether his beloved one reciprocates his feeling. When stupefied Pablo says it never occurred to him to confess himself to Andrew, the priest asks when he is going to muster the courage to do that. Going further in shock, Pablo promises to do it the next week. At this point, the unseen priest behind the grating calls him by name and tells him it is remiss of him to put off such important things for tomorrows. Appalled at the thought that his identity is revealed, Pablo asks how come the priest knows his name, but the voice gives no response. He leaps out of the confession booth and pulls the curtain off the priest's compartment, only to find out that no one's there. He rushes away from the empty church, thinking that the voice speaking to him was probably sent from heaven. Or from hell. Either way, he is horrified even more than he was before.

The next day, though, he decides to act upon what the voice told him. He comes to believe that confessing his feeling to Andrew and hearing his rejection, which he has no doubt will be the case, is the only way to put an end to his obsession. Declaring himself in an email letter or a telephone call feels unthinkable, so he phones Andrew and asks him to come to Barcelona as soon as possible saying that he needs urgent help with a matter he can only reveal to him in person. Andrew cannot make sense of it, but they are still so emotionally close that he understands Pablo is not kidding. After little hesitation, he promises to arrive in Barcelona within a week.

Through the days of excruciating waiting, Pablo lives in sheer hell, trying and failing to steel himself for the conversation to come. A week later, picking Andrew up at the airport, he is gloomy and taciturn, shunning to meet Andrew's eyes, afraid that his own eyes can immediately betray him. Dropping Andrew at his hotel, he arranges to meet up with him and have a talk the next evening.

Andrew spends the morning and afternoon of the next day alone, enraptured again as he wanders in the streets of the city where he feels like he belongs, savoring every bit of Barcelona's spirit. Pablo runs around the field and kicks the ball at the stadium, but his thoughts are far away from his automated over the years, perfectly coordinated movements. He struggles to plan his speech and pick the right words for the inevitably hard conversation. In late evening, the two meet near the Magic Fountain of Montjuïc, and despite Andrew's plans, Pablo refuses to discuss the matter over a supper in a restaurant. Instead, Pablo suggests that they go to a desolate spot in the Montjuïc park, which he calls Escappo, the place where he says they can be all alone so no one could distract and overhear them. Pablo insists that it is critical since the matter he is going to share is highly confidential. Watching Pablo's extreme commotion, Andrew agrees, even though he is starving and would prefer to have a meal instead.

When they find themselves tête-à-tête, Pablo explains the essence of his disaster. He reveals that he is desperately in love and that, in contrast to his previous relationships, this love feels true and its intensity is overwhelming. Before Andrew is able to congratulate him, he proceeds to say that at the same time his love is inconceivable, impossible, and forbidden. There is no way it can be reciprocated, so he feels entrapped. Andrew is puzzled, unable to understand the essence of Pablo's story and how he can possibly help him. When Andrew tries to find out who he is in love with, Pablo dodges the question a few times with the phrase "I can't say it", and Andrew gets exasperated. Eventually, when Pablo overcomes his shame and tells him the truth, Andrew is in shock. He feels that he could imagine anything but what he hears. His world starts to spin in circles as deep down he realizes that the essence of his feelings for Pablo might be the same, but right now he is nowhere near ready to accept it. He watches Pablo break down unable to say anything else, and conflicting emotions flutter through his mind. He is overcome by pity, shame, and disgust at the same time. Towards himself and towards Pablo. Now and here, he only says that he's sorry for being unable to help him and run-walks away through the thickets of the park. His delight about Barcelona is ruined by the news he was not ready to hear. He spends the whole next day before departure in the bed of his hotel room, switching between TV channels speaking a language he once started falling in love with but now seems to no longer understand.


Next: Part 4